the last edition of the maternity series. my heart is heavy and sad. what an incredible journey and process this has been…

when i look back at this pregnancy i went through every emotion possible. depression that i was so sick and couldnt be the mother or wife that i wanted to be. and total and complete happiness that i was pregnant after a miscarriage. and unsure about how i felt about my growing body- frustrated and uncomfortable, but in complete awe that there was a growing baby under my skin. and the confidence and connection this series gave me to Pierson… it’s unimaginable. it forced me to shower at least once a week and pose in front of a camera… something i am NOT comfortable doing. i would much rather be on the other side of the lens. and the letters…. i didnt even know if it was a boy or a girl, but i felt so connected to this little life even before we had ever met. and finally, my dad’s death, and almost immediately the birth. what a complete circle…

i am so so happy that i have this record of what the past couple months have brought.

i love you my little baby boy.

On friday afternoon, i went over to say hello to my parents and chat for an afternoon.  my father has been sick with cancer, and had been told he had 3-6 months to live.  we chatted on the side of his bed for a little while, he told me he wished i didn’t have to see him like this, so very sick.  he told me my baby was coming, and he wouldn’t be able to ever meet it.  i told him he was being ridiculous, that he was going to see his new grandbaby very soon.

about an hour after i went home, my mom called me to tell me that my dad was unresponsive and she had called the paramedics and they were rushing to the hospital.  my dad slipped into a sort of coma (but not a very peaceful one… one racked with struggle) and because we have a DNR (do not resuscitate) there was nothing that could really be done.  he went into hospice care, my family flew in from all over the US, and he passed away on monday morning.

My dad was an amazing man, a doctor, a pilot, a rock climber, expert fly fisherman and mountain man, he digested knowledge like water.  he would delve into a subject and suck every bit of information out of it and continue even deeper.  i owe the reason i am a photographer to him. i still have his film camera, and still use it.

I’ll miss you dad.